


Even in Death

by Sternstunde



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternative Perspective, Ben Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Gen, Ghost Ben Hargreeves, I Don't Even Know, Klaus Hargreeves Needs Help, sadly no huggies but feelies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-28 23:08:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18766177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sternstunde/pseuds/Sternstunde
Summary: Ben's expected his death.With the eldritch creatures in his stomach only getting more and more out of control by every passing day, there's nothing else that could possibly await him, but a horrible ending in pain.He expects it to be the end - except it isn't.





	Even in Death

Ben's expected his death.

 

With the eldritch creatures in his stomach only getting more and more out of control by every passing day, there's nothing else that could possibly await him, but a horrible ending in pain.

 

So, when he goes to that mission with Luther, he doesn't expect much.

 

Doesn't expect much when there seems to be something wrong and his stomach feels like it's _burning_.

 

He doesn't expect much when he gets pierced to death by his own ability, and Luther notices it a tad too late.

 

But he expects it to be the end - except it isn't.

 

The air around him is suddenly so cold, but he can feel a warmth, a quiet call, a thousand whispers.

 

And he breathes once again, without lungs and without blood, Ben feels death in its most gentle way, a small reminder of what he has lost and cannot get back.

 

He wants to scream, cry but the warmth tugs at him, and like a fool, he follows and gets lost in an unknown, horrific world.

 

There's no way, Ben could ever have expected anything of what was about to happen.

 

* * *

 

He ends up at the mansion, and it hurts.

 

He can hear Klaus talk with Vanya, telling her some weird story. He can her chuckle, his heart clenching at the precious sound of happiness.

 

But he hurts because normally Klaus would rush out to greet him, tug him into a hug and tell him weird stuff - every story a well-crafted ruse to comfort Ben of the horrors and regrets that follow him home. All a way to remind him he's human, with every side hug and a pat on his head.

 

But he’s been standing in the foyer for 15 minutes, and there’s no Klaus there to greet him, no comfort to remind him he’s human - because he isn’t, not anymore.

 

_No Longer Human._

 

The title lingers on his mind, as the steps he takes to the kitchen.

 

He wonders.

 

Ghosts are yelling around him, tearing and screaming. He’s one of them now.

 

One of them.

 

A part of something.

 

It’s horrific, but what isn’t about him?

 

In the kitchen stands Klaus, holding plates and grinning - Ben doesn’t think.

 

He can’t, not when his brother is there, smiling brightly, grinning happily.

 

 _“...Klaus,”_ he whispers, hurt and in pain because he wants to hug him. To be happy with him.

 

His voice sounds so hollow, leaving behind an echo of loneliness.

 

And Ben didn’t think, because his brother’s ability is to see the gone, the lonely, the _dead_.

 

He only realizes that, when green eyes stare at him and widen.

 

He’s covered in blood and wounds, showcasing all he went through, showcasing that he cannot be alive because where his heart should be is a hole.

 

Those green eyes are staring at the hole.

 

Ben tries to breathe in until he realizes he doesn’t have to anymore. Realizes he’s gone, less than anything, he can’t be seen anymore.

 

He’s just an unfinished chapter in the books of the people he left behind.

 

The plates shatter on the ground, and he finds himself in the sound.

 

“...”

 

_“... Klaus?”_

 

Wide green eyes, filled with horror, filled with something he cannot decipher. Ben doesn’t understand, doesn’t get it.

 

Everything’s gone, everything has collapsed and fallen apart.

 

“Klaus?”

 

Ben looks and sees Vanya in the doorway.

 

 _“Vanya!”_ He calls out, prays, wants her to notice him, see him.

 

But his voice is one in a thousand voices, and he cannot be heard anymore.

 

A ghost of who he was.

 

Vanya runs into the kitchen, calling their mother’s name, but not his.

 

_I’m dead._

 

The sentence stays in his mind so that it can haunt him for years.

 

Huh, a ghost being haunted, huh?

 

The door crashes open and Luther stands in the doorway, dead body clutched in his hands, screaming about needing to operate him. Ben wants to cry, wants to tell Luther that it’s too late - Klaus does it for him.

 

“Too late,” he mumbles, something just so wrong about the sound of his voice, “it’s too late, Luther. He’s dead.”

 

“No, no - that can’t - no… it can’t…”

 

“Come with me, Luther,” Grace says, smile off her face and she looks like she’d cry if she could.

 

A robot and a ghost both can’t cry - he’s dead and he feels closer to his mother than he ever has.

 

Everyone leaves the room - everyone except Klaus, who stares at him, eyes intense. Ben never knew Klaus could look like that, so damn serious.

 

_“... Klaus?”_

 

There’s an eerie silence for a few seconds before Klaus starts to chuckle.

 

“Oh dear,” he mutters, then shakes his head, and lets the tears roll, “I’ll have to add you to the list of my regrets now, don’t I?”

 

Ben wants to scream, to shout, to yell at his brother, that he’s not a regret.

 

But he looks, _gazes_ into Klaus’ eyes - beyond his eyes, beyond his delusions - and spots the utter agony.

 

Ben’s nothing but regret now, is he?

 

* * *

 

The scariest things are the invisible ones.

 

So, what does that make out of Klaus, who can see the invisible?

 

Ben cannot believe, that he ever thought, _believed_ , that Klaus was only seeking attention when he spoke about the things he’s seen.

 

Ben cannot believe anything he’s seen since he was dead, is what Klaus has seen and will continue to see for years. He cannot believe that _he_ will continue to see them for years as well.

 

All the times they got mad at him - told him off, called his "stories" stupid, told him to stop playing around - and he never once complained to them, told them to shut it.

 

 _“How, “_ he whispers, looking at all those ghosts, hearing them scream, so damn loud.

 

Klaus sits on his bed, joint in his hand. “Drugs,” he mutters.

 

And Ben understands truly - for the first time in his life. Or well, the afterlife.

 

They surround Klaus, scream his name over and over, beg him to avenge them, beg him to love them, beg him to give them life, beg him to _die_.

 

Ben tries to ward them off, but he’s weak, weaker than he ever was.

 

At least his demons finally have granted him silence - the only enjoyable thing about death.

 

“Let them be, they won’t ever go away,” Klaus tells him, his voice is tired.

 

For the first time in his life, Ben _wants_ to tear something apart.

 

It won’t be the last time.

 

* * *

 

He looks at the statue and he doesn’t understand if their Father thinks his death is a sick joke.

 

He knows Reginald Hargreeves doesn’t seem them as his children - or children at all - but some part of him always hoped, which is why he stayed quiet, listened to him, behaved and killed, killed, kill-

 

He did so much, died for him, and all he gets is a statue dedicated to him, that doesn’t even look like him, and the words, “See this as an example.”

Was his whole life a fucking joke?

 

Ben doesn’t understand.

 

Doesn’t understand when Reginald leaves.

 

Doesn’t understand when his siblings wail and leave separately.

 

Doesn’t understand when Klaus steps closer to the statue and reads.

 

“May the darkness within you find peace in the light. ” Klaus speaks out, grinning, “How poetic.”

 

Ben blinks.

 

**_Torn by his own power, torn apart, torn over and over-_ **

 

 _“Was my whole life a joke?”_ he asks his brother.

 

He doesn’t expect an answer, but he gets one.

 

Klaus shakes his head. “ It wasn’t a joke - it was just an event in a series of many events. Nothing special.”

 

Ben’s slowly starting to see how horrible Klaus grew up, how close to death Klaus grew up.

 

_“... Nothing special?”_

 

“I love you, but there are a thousand other people dying and crying,” Klaus mutters, “if you die you die, and if Daddy dearest is an asshole - well, you escaped him.”

 

_“The sculpture doesn’t even look like me.”_

 

“Of course not,” his brother replies, and then turns to face him, “because that old man has never seen you as _you_.”

 

**_Because that old man has never seen you as you._ **

 

Those words echo in his mind and mirror everything he thinks about.

 

He’s got a ton of deaths on his hands and an invalid cause for it.

 

_You._

 

Who is he?

 

Who is he now where he isn’t?

 

* * *

 

It’s Vanya who leaves first.

 

She leaves for college, leaves the house and all the memories she doesn’t want to keep - and Ben’s glad for her. She’ll have an okay life, a good future. _Vanya will be fine._

 

So, he waves her goodbye, even if she can’t see it.

 

“She can’t see you,” mumbles Klaus and Ben flinches.

 

 _“... Still,”_ he mutters in reply.

 

Klaus shakes his head.

 

* * *

 

 

Shortly after she leaves, Ben learns something new about Klaus.

 

He’s been learning about Klaus - some things more horrible than the others.

 

This _secret_ got to be the worst.

 

They are in his room, when Grace comes in, smile tight.

 

Ben can feel that something is wrong.

 

“Your father is waiting downstairs, Klaus.”

 

Klaus doesn’t say anything, just stands up, stares at Ben and then sighs, as he follows their mother.

 

It’s 25 minutes later, when they stand in front of a mausoleum, that Ben’s slowly realizing what is happening.

 

“I await great progress, Number Four.”

 

And then Klaus is locked in a dark mausoleum, surrounded by thousands of ghosts - and Ben _tries_.

 

Tires to ward of the ghosts.

 

Tries to comfort Klaus.

 

Tries to yell back at the dead.

 

Tries to wipe his brother’s tears.

 

Tries.

 

And then he notices the four bottles of water in the corner, and he remembers.

 

All those times, Klaus wasn’t present for days, because he was _sick_.

 

Klaus is still crying and Ben doesn’t know anymore.

 

* * *

 

Around two years after Vanya left, Allison leaves.

 

Ben waves her goodbye.

 

"Still can't see it," Klaus mutters.

 

 _"I don't care about that,"_ Ben replies.

 

He watches her go and knows there's no way she wouldn't live well.

 

She's going to live the best.

 

* * *

 

 _"Aren't you tired of wasting your life?"_ He asks Klaus, unable to look at his brother as he takes the pills.

 

"Aren't you tired of clinging to life?" Klaus replies, not even glancing at him.

 

It's been months and everything he sees are either ghosts or his brother trying to kill himself.

 

_"This isn't healthy, Klaus…"_

 

"For me it is."

 

Ben narrows his eyes. _"It isn't! Look at the others! They are doing just fine… you…"_

 

Klaus stops moving and Ben knows he messed up somehow, _feels_ it.

 

_"...Klaus?"_

 

Then, green eyes look at him with something he cannot decipher. Something oddly cold but tired.

 

"That's all you ever cared about," he mutters, standing up.

 

He leaves the room and Ben doesn't follow for once.

 

He doesn't understand.

 

He just doesn't.

 

Later Klaus comes back in and both of them ignore what happened before.

 

They always do.

 

* * *

 

Diego is the next one to leave.

 

He packs his bags and says, “I’ll be joining the police academy.”

 

Then he leaves out the door, as Ben waves goodbye.

 

“Still can’t see you,” mutters Klaus.

 

Ben rolls his eyes. _“Who cares? I’m waving my hand anyway.”_

 

Klaus blinks and then grins at him.

 

Ben’s not sure why, but he can feel the warmth radiating off that grin, so he’s fine with it.

 

* * *

 

Luther’s making planes out of wood and pain.

 

Ben cannot help but be impressed, because that is amazing.

 

Klaus holds a joint in his hand and stares at the wall, eyes dull.

 

Ben sighs.

 

There’s quite a big difference between those two.

 

Between anyone of their siblings and Klaus.

 

 _“Why don’t you try?”_ he asks.

 

Klaus smirks.

 

“What’s there to try?”

 

He can feel the anger boiling in him, he can feel it, and he _hates_ it.

 

 _“Look at the others,”_ he mutters.

 

“Look at _you_ ,” Klaus responds.

 

Ben wants to yell, but he’s reminded of the thousand ghosts.

 

Later Klaus leaves the house, leaves Luther, and Ben waves at Luther, too sad about leaving their bother behind, but too worried about letting Klaus go alone.

 

This is all he got now - a drug-addicted brother and the feeling of invisibility claiming him more and more every day.

 

* * *

 

Ben rolls his eyes.

 

_“... Look at Allison… she’s doing well…”_

 

Klaus sighs.

 

* * *

 

_“Hey, I heard Diego…”_

 

Klaus shakes his head.

 

* * *

 

_“Vanya’s joined the orchestra! That’s impressive!”_

 

Klaus ignores him.

 

* * *

 

_“Luther’s on the moon, y’ know I…”_

 

Klaus isn’t even conscious.

 

* * *

 

 _“Maybe Dad was right,”_ mutters Ben, bitter undertone.

 

Klaus looks at him and raises an eyebrow, nudging him to go on.

 

_“Maybe you’ll never amount to anything.”_

 

He regrets the words - wants to take them back immediately, but it’s too late.

 

Hollow green eyes stare at him. A cold smirk.

 

“I know, Benny, I know.”

 

Ben hates himself at that moment, but he knows it’ll never amount to the self-hate Klaus feels.

 

He knows because Klaus doesn’t even try to argue - it hurts him more than any words ever could.

 

_“I’m sorry… you didn’t deserve that.”_

 

Klaus sighs.

 

“Ben,” he says, looking him into the eyes, “this isn’t about me.”

 

_It’s about you._

 

It’s been so many years, and Ben still doesn’t understand.

 

* * *

 

Sometimes Ben will think of better times - or worse if you put it in another perspective - and wonder how it’d feel if he was still alive.  

 

He will think of all those things he did as a child. Reading books with Five, trying to win a race against Diego, playing silly games with Klaus.

 

He’ll think about trying to make sure their father would stay proud of him, that every mission would be fulfilled well.

 

He’ll think about he’d try to get along with everyone, sometimes being able to, and others times not so much.

 

He’ll think about how it’s too late now.

 

He’ll think.

 

* * *

 

It’s only when Five’s back and the apocalypse is at the door, that Ben is slowly learning to understand.

 

Understand what Klaus meant, when he said it wasn't about himself. Understand what he has never seen, but carried around with him.

 

He’s been so focused on Klaus’ problems, but in that week he realizes, that he has his own problems he’s carrying around.

 

It's only after he tells Klaus, that Luther would definitely help him, only for Luther to let Klaus die, that Ben realizes it.

 

He's stuck.

 

That isn't the same Luther anymore.

 

Luther grew up and changed for the worse - even though Ben was so sure, Luther was doing okay.

 

You okay?" Klaus asks, glancing at him, sober and _alive._

 

Ben blinks _. "Klaus… did you ever think about how the others were doing?"_

 

Klaus smiles.

 

"Every time I was sober."

 

Klaus knew.

 

Knew, that no one was okay.

 

* * *

 

The apocalypse's done, Vanya calming down and Luther's distancing himself from them.

 

Five's talking a lot to Vanya  _and_ Klaus, trying to make sense of whatever happened.

 

 _"Klaus… our family is falling apart…"_ Ben says, desperation in his voice, begging his brother to do something, _anything,_ against it.

 

Klaus looks up from the scarf he's knitting and stares at Ben, who's hovering in the air.

 

"We were never truly a family."

 

Ben narrows his eyes. _"But you can be!"_

 

He closes his eyes for a few seconds before he opens them and _stares_ at Ben.

 

"Why do you expect me to save everything?"

 

And the words hit close in a way nothing else could.

 

Ben understands.

 

Understands that he doesn't understand.

 

* * *

 

He's always wanted to fit in, always tried to be a part.

 

Always wanted to belong.

 

_"I…"_

 

"I'm gonna do my part if they do theirs."

 

_Head cracked, surrounded by colorful lights and a brother that didn't care._

 

Ben nods. _"... Ok."_

 

And then Klaus smiles warmly at him.

 

_"It's going to be ok, Ben. I love you."_

 

Klaus still has Ben and Ben still has Klaus.

 

_"I'm…"_

 

"I'm sorry I'll try, Ben."

 

_"... Thank you."_

 

The expectations are gone, aren't they?

 

There's nothing to expect anyway.

 

Nothing anymore.

 

 _"May the darkness within you find peace in the light,"_ Ben recalls.

 

Klaus blinks.

 

"Darkness is a natural part of everyone, Benny - it's not supposed to be at peace."

 

No, it doesn't

**Author's Note:**

> this is weird hnnnnnn
> 
>  
> 
> but here u go, i wanted to get rid of this gdhdfv


End file.
